Within Well-Worn Pages

 

With thunder rumbling overhead and the blue sky now cloaked in a grimacing grey, I anticipated an oncoming storm. I quickly cleaned up the breadcrumbs from lunch and helped my children get settled in their quiet time so I could find some space of my own. I’d been waiting for a homebound afternoon like this.

While we are well into rainy season, we haven’t had many rainy days lately—the cozy kind where the combination of steady raindrops, a crisp breeze flooding in through screened windows, and 75 degrees feels chilly. Perhaps I’ve acclimated quite a bit over the years living in Uganda because I’ve been known to throw on a hoodie when I feel a hint of cool in the air.

As I sit and gather my thoughts, I check in to see where I’m at—what has brought joy and where I have found myself wrestling with weariness.  It’s a practice that has been so helpful in grounding myself and re-grounding myself when life seems as though it’s moving too fast or not moving at all.

I’ve recently been pouring over some old journals from earlier days on the field when themes of rootlessness ran rampant. Over and over, weary prayers lace the time-worn pages, for the winding terracotta roads and the land of grass-thatched huts I’ve been transplanted in to feel more like home. The cravings for comfort and belonging aren’t lost on me, and I wish I could hug that mom who was new to a life overseas.

So, I pause here for a moment.

I take time to notice the journey the Lord has taken me on over the years. The one where I have rooted more to him than to any country or culture. I can trace the ups and downs like hills and valleys spread out over a threadbare map. As I leaf through page after page of prayers and petitions, thanksgiving and reflections, it reveals a gradual transition from writing of my worries and insecurities to the rootedness and faithfulness I’ve found in the Lord. The words of Proverbs 3:5–6 echo in my heart as they do on paper, “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight” (NIV).

These days can turn like pages in a story that continues to journey on whether or not we understand what’s happening. Yet in the transcribing of our lives, we can begin to see traces of his fingerprints throughout these moments that have been captured in time—almost like a treasure chest, providing a place for vulnerability as we process the delights and the discouragements that we are faced with. Reflecting on our lives can look wildly different, yet there are so many beautiful ways to process, find peace, and recognize the good story he is writing. From journaling thoughts in a notebook, creating poetry, following the structure of an examen, or writing our way through prayers and laments, each of these methods can be used as a way to process our lives and discover how the Lord is working in the middle of it.

I’m always straining to see the road marked and mapped out smoothly before me. Yet I often stumble in my search through all that’s swirling to find that solid ground. However, with each step forward, I begin to realize something more and more: I have never been stranded in the wilderness or in the unseen place alone. While, at times, I’ve been so busy searching for guidance through the impending storm, he’s been beside me, with a firm hold of my hand, gently leading me on. For this alone, we can reflect on his goodness and give thanks even when we are in a tough situation or season.

1 Thessalonians 5:18 encourages us with this, “In everything give thanks. For this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus” (NET).

As I skim through my journals, I notice there is posture of gratitude emerging through recent years. I can tangibly see a shifting of focus to the One who has been transforming me throughout these canvas-bound papers. Reflection is such an encouraging way to steady my heart and to withstand the wild wind that tries to blow me off course. I consider the Lord’s faithfulness as I write of his goodness. It’s a little like gathering up wildflowers in the wilderness. I can marvel at the beauty found in even the most trying times when I look for the Lord’s goodness every single step of the way. Sometimes, I can reach for it in the moment while other times, I don’t see it until I’m further past.

Yet, as I pause to be “bent back” or to reflect, I am reminded of his overwhelming love for me. I am discovering a transformation made over time as his provision, his promise, his guidance, and his comfort have etched their way into my heart. He has been ever-present within the same pages worn thin and will continue to journey on with me.

So, whether you find yourself embarking on a new beginning, floundering in the waiting, struggling with unexpected transitions, or walking out a season of goodbyes, he is in the middle of the change, or lack thereof, and will be a constant comfort in every uncomfortable space you encounter. Write as you walk it out. Process with intention, lament through the hard, discover the grace found in gratitude, and most of all, reflect on the goodness of God.

In what ways has reflection been an important way to process your life overseas? How has writing reminded you to be on the search for the Lord’s goodness and find reasons to be grateful, even in the difficult times?

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*First published on Velvet Ashes: https://velvetashes.com/within-well-worn-pages/